So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
