I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
