Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
