Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
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