I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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