I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
