just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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