wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
