I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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