i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
His nipple licking is glorious
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