If i come over, it means nothing
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
