If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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