imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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