Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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