my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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