Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
