Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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