you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
