You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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