Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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