Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
