im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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