she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
