You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
