Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
