Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
