Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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