She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize