Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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