Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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