yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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