im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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