Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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