Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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