Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
