I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
