I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
