i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
