Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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