Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
