If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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