so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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