hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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