The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize