A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
