the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
