I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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