i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize