that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
