they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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