I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
