he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
