It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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