Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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