just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Every concussion has its silver lining
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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