im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
